Purple Robes
In my mind he wore a purple robe, I could see it , it was velvet, majestic and regal exactly as the monarch would wear.We spoke of other dimensions, Aliens and the Greek dynasties of old like it was yesterday.It was strange yet totally still and real .I am referring to my meeting with the master of voice Stewart Pearce. We had tea, the most beautiful peach (i think it was, sencha tea) sencha for sens u al.He told me how his spirit guide was Saint Germain and that the angels had given him 'The Alchemy of voice ' and how was doing an Atlantean retreat, and how his father worked for the royal family who he spent time with growing up. He later became Master of Voice at the Globe Theatre and he spoke of how the Mother Mary was still alive in the Oratory and that Jesus was with us in the architecture of the Victoria and Albert Museum. And the geomancy and symmetry and flow of the energy and whoever designed the place was definitely 'In the know'He pointed out the energetic differences as we walked further into the building, surrounded by stunning architectural beauty and beauty in so many other forms that I cannot count.He was a strange mix of vulnerability and authority and absolutely beautiful and i told him so.Ever humble and without any ego he gracefully told me it was what was coming through him that was so magnetic . But it was also him.I could have spent days in his company, easily, here was a man i have admired and looked up to for years. For his work and for his magnetism and just his sheer spellbinding beauty. I recalled that when i had first met him some years before , attending a lecture at the inner potential centre in Fulham , after the talk , i wanted to follow him out of the building all the way home just to breathe in the energy coming from the man. I know it sounds like a crazy besotted stalker and in that moment in time that is exactly what I felt like. I went home all those years ago and he had left an imprint. And I had bought the book alchemy of voice. And here i was meeting him having tea to discuss interviewing him for the TV show Pilot I and my American friend and co-host Veronica were to film in the coming months. It was obvious and it was voiced that the angels had orchestrated (or 'Stage Managed' as he put it) - our meeting. He wore a violet shirt, incredibly and pristinely cut what looked like black bell bottoms- that I only noticed as we said goodbye -and a beautiful Amethyst square ring on one hand an A-U-M ring made out of diamonds on the other that his Indian Master had given to him he told me. I had a total respect for his knowledge, and he smelled like a million dollars, I asked and it was 'Hermes' he said.It had to be Greek sounding. I intimated towards the end of our meeting that he was Greek. And he told me quite matter of fact and knowingly that we had met in an Orpheus school in another life. It seemed entirely logical and true. I told him that he was like a drink in a dessert. And he was. He then asked me if I had been to the desert and then proceeded to tell me he had lived with the Bedouin for some weeks and how they 'read' the sands and listened to the wind. After being questioned on why, I felt as if he totally understood why I with Veronica, was doing this project and that he would support it wholeheartedly. I was truly honoured. I found out that day that he had been voice- coach to the late- Diana, Princess of Wales also Anita Roddick of the body Shop fame as well as Margaret Thatcher of all people. He was commanding yet insecure in the sweetest of ways. I felt as if I had made a friend. At leat I hoped so. A very special person indeed.I had such a busy day. In the morning , it was duties for my grandfather, which always drained me, and it was intense , constant and demanding, Dealing with tenants and a constant stream of telephone calls. Then a meeting with Kirk at the Half Moon to start A music Network for Putney which I have titled - Powerlight Putney Music And Arts Platform in connection with Angelsoundstudio and Songseed - Monthly networking at Sally's Cafe at St.Mary's Church - Putney Bridge and performance opportunities at the Half Moon Pub and Music Venue. (A really long but descriptive name) I secured 3 dates for August , September And October to get the project off the ground, as well as later teaching singing and then rushing back for a meeting at the library about applying for an arts grant for the music networking project. Where my beloved was waiting for me. Followed by coffee and some great forward planning that seems to solidify our future in music .So much going on. Lorna said this morning , quite strangely, by text- out of the blue- from no-where- that it was to be a momentous day. And It was.Last night I had 2 and a half hours sleep and now again it's approaching 3.20 amExhausted but extremely thankful and somewhat Joyous.I bid you goodnight. And good day from a jubilant Alexis.Every day we are indeed - made new.
I love you. x
Monday, 15 June 2009
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Why was it bothering me still and now
It happened so long ago, the memory re-surfaced from no-where, i was a little boy maybe a teenager , living in Cyprus and i can see the meal my mother made for me, microwaved jacket potato - it was not a large amount , it looked dry and unappealing- there was something with it - maybe Greek yoghurt or something- and I'm feeling really angry and hungry and thinking this is not enough, it is not going to fill me up- i want some real food some proper food.Although i ate it gratefull for the food. I wouldn't dare tell her that i wanted more - she would be furious, I had a nervous cough which drove her crazy, it was because i was so fearfull of her energy which seemed so powerful and overbearing full of anxt . I remember coming home from school during those teenage years in Cyprus and opening our fridge and seeing an old piece of Greek cheese (anari- it was called) wrapped in silver foil , in the door of the fridge- and a row of perfumes. L'air De Temps or something by Nina Ricci brought back from one of my dad's trips abroad. Kept in the fridge to not go off in the hot Cyprus weather- nothing else, no food.
I remember buying as many chocolates as i could and hiding them under my bed in my room and stuffing my face as quickly as i could before i got found out- we were not allowed chocolate unless my mother was having her period and was craving sugar, then we could have some, maybe even two. My mother was always obsessed with food and calories , it seemed i knew everything about how many calories were in things- I remember fit for life by Harvey and Marilyn diamond being a big thing- my mum had the video, and i remember Jane Fonda's video workout which my mum would do, and the plastic surgery. I remember seeing the bruising , it was horrific, my mother who i loved putting herself through torture and stupid men cutting her up so and bruising her arse so she could feel better about herself. So she could approve of herself and find approval from other people. OK so we did have food sometimes, of course we did. But this is the stuff that i really remember, the bruising , the anger and hurt i felt and how i had this terrible fear that has stayed with me even till today there there would not be enough food and that i would be hungry and that i had to gorge myself on chocolate and crisps and really quickly in case i got found out . I remember years later always standing in the corner with my face towards the wall and NEVER letting anyone see me eat in public otherwise they would see i was a greedy fat pig and how DARE a fat person eat . They should not eat till they were slim. This all sounds ridiculous I know. I am now 37 and these memories have just come up again. They replay in my head sometimes and have done for years- the same scenes over and over again- i remember all the Diet cokes - full of toxic Aspartame (i know now) that was my mothers and my aunts staple feel good drink. I have done so much work on myself knowing that my mother has done her best with the knowledge and awareness that she has , But the truth is i am really f...ing angry about being denied food as a child , and the child within me is crying out saying- you didn't notice me, you didn't hear me , you didn't acknowledge how much it hurt watching you bruised black and blue as you undid the bandages from your liposuction to reduce the size of your arse. I am really angry and upset that you did not love yourself enough and that nobody told you how to love yourself and that you could not teach me to love myself because you did not know how to love yourself.
I AM REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU THAT WERE YOU SO DUMB AND STUPID AND I AM HURTING BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE OR HEAR THIS- I WANT TO READ THIS TO YOU SO YOU CAN FEEL IT AND HEAR IT.
So now it is expressed , on the internet, through my fingers. I have to let it out because i must take responsibility for myself and my own healing and my own anger. And my own inner child that i must parent. At this moment with bitterness but as i express it through typing, i know and affirm that it is out of my body and it is healed, the past has no power over me. I take my inner child and my mother that did not know how to love herself and my hungry teenager and i nourish them all with love from my heart, because I am the wise parent to myself. I am the authority and the angel of healing overlooking all time that will shed light on this dark unhappy time. And i seal it with love and light knowing that all is well in my world and i release the past forgiving my mother for not loving herself, forgiving the plastic surgeon that cut and bruised her and forgiving her for allowing herself to do this to herself and all the people that helped to make her lose faith in her own beauty and natural perfection and beauty as a woman . I forgive these people. Because I have strong shoulders. Because I am now the adult. And the child I carry my little child within me and love them and tell them that they are perfect. And they don't need to change and they don't need to be criticised and they dont need to change or be thinner , they don't need to cut but a surgeon to make them accepted in the world. They are loved . They are perfect. I am perfect. I am good enough. I love and approve of myself exactly as I am. I am healthy whole and complete. And the rwason my mother took me to a plastic surgeon when i was 13 , even though i said no, and i cried, even though I went to please her, because i loved her and still do, just so i can be told that my fat could be removed by liposuction at 13 years old. And i refused to have it done, even though she offered to pay and that her sister was angry at her for taking me and so was I. I forgive her. I forgive her because she did not know how to love herself. And in turn she did not know how to love me or to teach me how to love myself. But I firgued it out. With the help of Louise L. Hay i figured it out and I am grateful . And I love myself. I love and approve of myself. And I love my mother and i give you the love that you could not give to yourself. And I heal you , with my forgivness , with my love for you and for yourself. I heal you. And I heal me. And I set us both free. I love you always. And so it is. It is safe for me to love.
And I love and approve of myself
And all is well in my loving and beautiful world.
And so it is
And so it shall be.
God bless us all.
Love yourself.
I remember buying as many chocolates as i could and hiding them under my bed in my room and stuffing my face as quickly as i could before i got found out- we were not allowed chocolate unless my mother was having her period and was craving sugar, then we could have some, maybe even two. My mother was always obsessed with food and calories , it seemed i knew everything about how many calories were in things- I remember fit for life by Harvey and Marilyn diamond being a big thing- my mum had the video, and i remember Jane Fonda's video workout which my mum would do, and the plastic surgery. I remember seeing the bruising , it was horrific, my mother who i loved putting herself through torture and stupid men cutting her up so and bruising her arse so she could feel better about herself. So she could approve of herself and find approval from other people. OK so we did have food sometimes, of course we did. But this is the stuff that i really remember, the bruising , the anger and hurt i felt and how i had this terrible fear that has stayed with me even till today there there would not be enough food and that i would be hungry and that i had to gorge myself on chocolate and crisps and really quickly in case i got found out . I remember years later always standing in the corner with my face towards the wall and NEVER letting anyone see me eat in public otherwise they would see i was a greedy fat pig and how DARE a fat person eat . They should not eat till they were slim. This all sounds ridiculous I know. I am now 37 and these memories have just come up again. They replay in my head sometimes and have done for years- the same scenes over and over again- i remember all the Diet cokes - full of toxic Aspartame (i know now) that was my mothers and my aunts staple feel good drink. I have done so much work on myself knowing that my mother has done her best with the knowledge and awareness that she has , But the truth is i am really f...ing angry about being denied food as a child , and the child within me is crying out saying- you didn't notice me, you didn't hear me , you didn't acknowledge how much it hurt watching you bruised black and blue as you undid the bandages from your liposuction to reduce the size of your arse. I am really angry and upset that you did not love yourself enough and that nobody told you how to love yourself and that you could not teach me to love myself because you did not know how to love yourself.
I AM REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU THAT WERE YOU SO DUMB AND STUPID AND I AM HURTING BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE OR HEAR THIS- I WANT TO READ THIS TO YOU SO YOU CAN FEEL IT AND HEAR IT.
So now it is expressed , on the internet, through my fingers. I have to let it out because i must take responsibility for myself and my own healing and my own anger. And my own inner child that i must parent. At this moment with bitterness but as i express it through typing, i know and affirm that it is out of my body and it is healed, the past has no power over me. I take my inner child and my mother that did not know how to love herself and my hungry teenager and i nourish them all with love from my heart, because I am the wise parent to myself. I am the authority and the angel of healing overlooking all time that will shed light on this dark unhappy time. And i seal it with love and light knowing that all is well in my world and i release the past forgiving my mother for not loving herself, forgiving the plastic surgeon that cut and bruised her and forgiving her for allowing herself to do this to herself and all the people that helped to make her lose faith in her own beauty and natural perfection and beauty as a woman . I forgive these people. Because I have strong shoulders. Because I am now the adult. And the child I carry my little child within me and love them and tell them that they are perfect. And they don't need to change and they don't need to be criticised and they dont need to change or be thinner , they don't need to cut but a surgeon to make them accepted in the world. They are loved . They are perfect. I am perfect. I am good enough. I love and approve of myself exactly as I am. I am healthy whole and complete. And the rwason my mother took me to a plastic surgeon when i was 13 , even though i said no, and i cried, even though I went to please her, because i loved her and still do, just so i can be told that my fat could be removed by liposuction at 13 years old. And i refused to have it done, even though she offered to pay and that her sister was angry at her for taking me and so was I. I forgive her. I forgive her because she did not know how to love herself. And in turn she did not know how to love me or to teach me how to love myself. But I firgued it out. With the help of Louise L. Hay i figured it out and I am grateful . And I love myself. I love and approve of myself. And I love my mother and i give you the love that you could not give to yourself. And I heal you , with my forgivness , with my love for you and for yourself. I heal you. And I heal me. And I set us both free. I love you always. And so it is. It is safe for me to love.
And I love and approve of myself
And all is well in my loving and beautiful world.
And so it is
And so it shall be.
God bless us all.
Love yourself.
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