Why was it bothering me still and now

It happened so long ago, the memory re-surfaced from no-where, i was a little boy maybe a teenager , living in Cyprus and i can see the meal my mother made for me, microwaved jacket potato - it was not a large amount , it looked dry and unappealing- there was something with it - maybe Greek yoghurt or something- and I'm feeling really angry and hungry and thinking this is not enough, it is not going to fill me up- i want some real food some proper food.Although i ate it gratefull for the food. I wouldn't dare tell her that i wanted more - she would be furious, I had a nervous cough which drove her crazy, it was because i was so fearfull of her energy which seemed so powerful and overbearing full of anxt . I remember coming home from school during those teenage years in Cyprus and opening our fridge and seeing an old piece of Greek cheese (anari- it was called) wrapped in silver foil , in the door of the fridge- and a row of perfumes. L'air De Temps or something by Nina Ricci brought back from one of my dad's trips abroad. Kept in the fridge to not go off in the hot Cyprus weather- nothing else, no food.
I remember buying as many chocolates as i could and hiding them under my bed in my room and stuffing my face as quickly as i could before i got found out- we were not allowed chocolate unless my mother was having her period and was craving sugar, then we could have some, maybe even two. My mother was always obsessed with food and calories , it seemed i knew everything about how many calories were in things- I remember fit for life by Harvey and Marilyn diamond being a big thing- my mum had the video, and i remember Jane Fonda's video workout which my mum would do, and the plastic surgery. I remember seeing the bruising , it was horrific, my mother who i loved putting herself through torture and stupid men cutting her up so and bruising her arse so she could feel better about herself. So she could approve of herself and find approval from other people. OK so we did have food sometimes, of course we did. But this is the stuff that i really remember, the bruising , the anger and hurt i felt and how i had this terrible fear that has stayed with me even till today there there would not be enough food and that i would be hungry and that i had to gorge myself on chocolate and crisps and really quickly in case i got found out . I remember years later always standing in the corner with my face towards the wall and NEVER letting anyone see me eat in public otherwise they would see i was a greedy fat pig and how DARE a fat person eat . They should not eat till they were slim. This all sounds ridiculous I know. I am now 37 and these memories have just come up again. They replay in my head sometimes and have done for years- the same scenes over and over again- i remember all the Diet cokes - full of toxic Aspartame (i know now) that was my mothers and my aunts staple feel good drink. I have done so much work on myself knowing that my mother has done her best with the knowledge and awareness that she has , But the truth is i am really f...ing angry about being denied food as a child , and the child within me is crying out saying- you didn't notice me, you didn't hear me , you didn't acknowledge how much it hurt watching you bruised black and blue as you undid the bandages from your liposuction to reduce the size of your arse. I am really angry and upset that you did not love yourself enough and that nobody told you how to love yourself and that you could not teach me to love myself because you did not know how to love yourself.
I AM REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU THAT WERE YOU SO DUMB AND STUPID AND I AM HURTING BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE OR HEAR THIS- I WANT TO READ THIS TO YOU SO YOU CAN FEEL IT AND HEAR IT.
So now it is expressed , on the internet, through my fingers. I have to let it out because i must take responsibility for myself and my own healing and my own anger. And my own inner child that i must parent. At this moment with bitterness but as i express it through typing, i know and affirm that it is out of my body and it is healed, the past has no power over me. I take my inner child and my mother that did not know how to love herself and my hungry teenager and i nourish them all with love from my heart, because I am the wise parent to myself. I am the authority and the angel of healing overlooking all time that will shed light on this dark unhappy time. And i seal it with love and light knowing that all is well in my world and i release the past forgiving my mother for not loving herself, forgiving the plastic surgeon that cut and bruised her and forgiving her for allowing herself to do this to herself and all the people that helped to make her lose faith in her own beauty and natural perfection and beauty as a woman . I forgive these people. Because I have strong shoulders. Because I am now the adult. And the child I carry my little child within me and love them and tell them that they are perfect. And they don't need to change and they don't need to be criticised and they dont need to change or be thinner , they don't need to cut but a surgeon to make them accepted in the world. They are loved . They are perfect. I am perfect. I am good enough. I love and approve of myself exactly as I am. I am healthy whole and complete. And the rwason my mother took me to a plastic surgeon when i was 13 , even though i said no, and i cried, even though I went to please her, because i loved her and still do, just so i can be told that my fat could be removed by liposuction at 13 years old. And i refused to have it done, even though she offered to pay and that her sister was angry at her for taking me and so was I. I forgive her. I forgive her because she did not know how to love herself. And in turn she did not know how to love me or to teach me how to love myself. But I firgued it out. With the help of Louise L. Hay i figured it out and I am grateful . And I love myself. I love and approve of myself. And I love my mother and i give you the love that you could not give to yourself. And I heal you , with my forgivness , with my love for you and for yourself. I heal you. And I heal me. And I set us both free. I love you always. And so it is. It is safe for me to love.
And I love and approve of myself
And all is well in my loving and beautiful world.
And so it is
And so it shall be.
God bless us all.
Love yourself.